I just don't know

I'm really scared. Don't know if I can do this. More than ever really NEED to do this.

Tiny Hope

I have lost ten pounds. Almost afraid to say that. I have inched, our ounced, my way down. I'm afraid it won't last. I'm afraid I won't last.

The best thing that has happened lately is the Friday evening WW meeting. It's for people who have 50 or more pounds to lose. OK, so I'm still the largest person there, but it's better than sitting in a room full of people who need to lose 8lbs or 12lbs or 16lbs. I certainly applaud them for being there and making changes in their life, it just that they will only be there for a month or two or three. I, however, will be there for years. The people who come in to lose their weight when they have small amounts to lose are so smart. They stopped their behavior early before too much damage was done. But, it reminds me that I didn't do that. They are talking about getting back into their size 4 clothes and I am wondering if I will ever get back into size 24 clothes. Unfortunately, those of us who have gained massive amounts of weight have multiple problems that go beyond the normal overweight person. We have size issues that we deal with every day. We have long ingrained habits that take long and painful efforts to change. We have emotional reasons for abusing ourselves. We feel shame and are afraid to be honest about our problems. Thus, a group specifically designed for us --- it's a good thing.

Moving Fractions of an Inch

These last two weeks I have lost weight. I have now lost a grand total of . . . . five pounds! Yes, I know that looking at the vast amount of weight that I have to lose that this is a pathetic number. But, it is a number that represents inching on down the road in the RIGHT direction. I'm excited to be going the right way but I am finding that losing weight takes time and can be tiring. Not only does it take a long time to lose the weight itself, it takes time to plan your food, count your food, prepare your food, work on your thinking, habits, etc. I'm surprised at just how much time it takes. This is what I didn't want to have to do, but I'm doing it anyway. I think for me it is going to take a tremendous amount of focus on changing my habits to have any success at moving down the road at all. And to focus on something means giving it time and energy and importance.

So, I won't be running and some days even walking may be difficult, but I if nothing else I will scoot myself down that road inch by inch.

Oh No! No Ah Ha!

If you read as many diet books, or watch as many weight loss stories on TV, as I do you know the turning point of all these stories is the "ah ha" moment. It's the point in the story where the dieter tells you about some turning point in their life when they are suddenly hit with a revelation or situation and now, TA DA!, they are able to diet and the weight just drops off their bodies! I keep watching and listening and reading diet stories so I can vicariously share the experience of the ah ha movement because I've never had mine yet.
For these successful dieters the turning point usually is something emotionally heavy; the death of a loved one, an illness, a cruel remark about their weight, a doctors admonition, etc. Many talk about a agonizingly horrifying embarrassing moment that changes their life forever. I have truly read these with tearful eyes and an occasional gasp. Then my eyes glaze over as I ponder the possibility of such a happening changing my life. Someday my ah ha moment will come! In an instant I will realize the error of my ways and I will turn and walk the straight and narrow. Someday food won't tempt me as much as righteous eating calls my name! Ohh, ah ha moment, come soon!
Well, I'm 54 years old and way way way over pleasingly plump so obviously I'm still waiting. It's not that I don't look for it. And, occasionally I think I even experience it. Maybe it's the day I can't wear the seat belt on an airplane. ??? No, guess that wasn't it. Maybe it's the day the stranger yells and asks me how many doughnuts I eat. ??? No, not that one either. Let's see . . maybe it's when the lady standing in line behind me at the bank starts giggling and tells me that she didn't know people could get that big. ??? Hmm, no, not it. Ok, it must be when I leave the doctors office in tears because he just laid into me over my weight because it is crippling my feet. That has got to be it! Oh, I guess not.
I keep thinking that moment is still to come. When is my turn? How am I ever going to be able to write a diet book if I don't have a ah ha moment? I've even thought it could be a good moment. Can I lose weight for the grandbabies? For my husband? So I can fly in a plane and visit family? Maybe I can do it if I think about being a good witness for the Lord. Maybe .... maybe . ....
Recently I was talking to a friend about the lack of ah ha moments and she said, "well maybe this is your ah ha moment." Well, I didn't think that qualified as anything dramatic enough to be an official ah ha moment, but since then . . . I've been thinking about that. Can my ah ha moment be the day I realize I'm not ever going to have an ah ha moment? All I can say is that the conversation has been on some kind of loop in my brain and floats to the top on a regular basis. Who knows. Maybe accepting that I don't have to, and in fact can't, wait for an ah ha moment just might be a good thing. If this is my ah ha moment though I have got to make up a good story for my book, but I can do that.

Taking it to the Cross

Warning: Do not read if the words " I am starting again" causes extreme feelings of digust or frustration. As a matter of fact, you might not want to read this blog ever if that's the case. I do a lot of "starting again." 8>)

I am fat. Fat, fat, fat. I can't stop eating! Nothing new here. I am back to my original top weight. I hate it more than ever. It feels worse than it ever has. I haven't given up on being healthy, but it really does feel impossible. FEEL being the operative word. I go through my life making a lot of decisions based on my emotions. It's an automatic response for me, a form of auto pilot. Of course I have worked on maturing myself so that I work through the emotions . . . some of the time. More often than before, that's for sure. The idea is to design a plan of help for myself that does not have emotions as it's foundation.

So, I am starting again. What am I doing to make this different than the last time?. A few things. One, I'm immersing myself in information. I have three new books. One is The Primal Wound. A book recommended to me by someone I think is wise. It's about the wound left inside the adoptive person. I know this wound is there. I can name it now, but I don't know what to do about it. So, I am hoping that by reading this book I get more information and maybe even experience some healing of my own personal primal wound. The next book I am reading is This Year I Will...: Learn How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True One of the chapters in it deals with the idea that you get something from your old habits that you need to address before you can move on. Something I suspect I need to deal with. The third book I ordered is, Locked Up for Eating Too Much: The Diary of a Food Addict in Rehab. I know I am addicted to food. No, I'm not calling it an addiction so that I don't have to deal with it. I call it an addiction because it meets the definition of addiction.

I am also currently doing a Bible study by Beth Moore; John, 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple. The last lesson I did was about the disciple John watching his Lord die on the cross and how it must have shook his world. This man he had followed and loved was dying, leaving this world. One of the things I have learned this week during my study is that, in Beth's words, "When death of some kind comes and we are willing to take it to the cross, to stay nearby and to suffer it's grief, we will also experience the resurrection." I need to give up my addiction to food. If you have never been here, it must sound strange, but food is my drug, my comfort, my secret vice. It is my solace when sad times come, my pleasure in dull and boring times, and my anesthetic when fear and emptiness take over. Worst of all, it is what I use to fill the empty void that should be filled with God. To give up food will be a big deal. You have no idea. I don't entirely know what it means to give up food. After all, I will still have to eat. And, I know food was meant for good, for nutrition and pleasure. Yet I've used it for abusing my body and hiding from the life my Father has given me. All that I know is that I need to take it to the cross and leave it there. Pray that I can do that.

Really

I have posted since the last time. Really. I wrote two blog posts but I made the mistake of saving them. Where they are saved I don't have a clue. I have tried to find them but they don't seem to want to be found!

I know the question you want answered is how am I doing on my diet? Well, I stink. I am going crazy eating. I know you are disappointed dear reader, but not as disappointed as I am. I have some weird addiction going on. No, I have not given up. I am trying to draw on my strength, God's strength and all the information that I know about getting healthy. I confess to you that I am failing. Tired.

so so long

It's been three weeks since I posted. More if you don't consider mmmmmmmmm to be a coherent blog post. Life is pretty strange right now and yet it's actually very calm. I've been sick for three months with Lymes and it has taken over my life somewhat. Fevers most days and pain most days but I think it may be slowing down now. Maybe. I've thought that before so I won't get my hopes up too high. You just don't know with these bizarre l ittle spirochetes that have moved into my body. They are strange creatures that look something like a corkscrew that has been elongated. They wiggle and swim and move their little bodies all around. They seem to like to socialize with one another too. Who knew?
Food. If you're reading this you probably are wondering about my relationship with food these days. Food and I are still really close. Too close. I've gained weight. Not sure if it is totally from eating or somewhat from this weird sickness.
I don't feel any closer to having a healthy eating habit. I crave, crave, crave sweets. Once I finish with one sweet treat I start thinking about the next one. Can't explain it. It's just the way I am. I know that I am more aware of what I eat, but still, does it make me make better choices? Not usually. Sometimes.
Can I tell you how I fantasize about getting control of my weight? I think about it daily. Usually several times a day. I imagine myself getting into this great battle to lose weight and gain health. I can even imagine myself someday helping somebody else get through it, but I can't make it a reality. I read about a new diet book and wish it would be that one "missing link" that would help me suddenly become successful. I see an ad for an exercise machine and wonder if it's really the miracle machine that will slim and trim this obese body. Is there a guru out there that will teach me the way? A food that I can become addicted to that will grant me perfect metabolism? Nah.
I fear I know the answer to losing my excess weight and it depends on me. Me who doesn't succeed at much of anything and yet needs to succeed at a long arduous journey that truthfully I have no desire to take the first step. A journey where 95% of the people who start out on it give up along the way.
How? How will I ever do it? I've been this way so so long and the "fix" would take so so long.