Designer Truth

You don't see me. You don't hear me. If I just stay silent and hidden maybe you won't notice that I'm not losing weight. Maybe you won't notice that I'm failing. Once again.

I want to be a doer. I want to be a winner. But do I want it enough? I am thinking of my friend who, a few years ago, had a melt down because her husband told her things about herself that she didn't want to hear. She was furious. As we sat down to talk I got an earful. After letting the steam escape I offered soothing murmurings that I knew she wanted to hear. But even as I nodded and encouraged I was thinking to myself that everything her husband told her was true. It was also obvious by her reaction to his words that she knew she had issues that needed to be dealt with. Now we weren't close friends so I didn't feel it was appropriate to say her husband had hit the nail on the head and that the faults he had highlighted were obvious to everyone but her! In her anger and hurt she had closed her ears to everything that was said and instead designed her own truth that made her the victim, the innocent, and eventually the aggressor.

I bring up my friend because I am frequently just like her. I need to change, but I don't want to do the work it takes to change. If you try to tell me I need to change I figuratively put my fingers in my ears so that "I can't hear yoooouu!" It's so much easier to come up with excuses and to blame anything or anybody else. I don't rant and rave, I'm more likely to eat Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk till I'm sick. I know this about me.

I try to stay honest. The truth is that I have slow metabolism, asthma, a deformed foot that needs surgery, a genetic predisposition to being obese, and a huge load of emotional/mental issues. Those are my truths. They are truths that define my life. What I need to do is learn to remember the "other" truths too. I am the only one who controls what I eat, my physical problems could be a whole lot worse, I've actually made progress on my mental issues, I haven't quit, and I have friends, family and a heavenly Father that's rooting for me. Those are truths too! There is just something in my brain that doesn't "see" these truths as readily. Oh, come on, I'll just say it, faith in me is just about non existent.

Trying not to dwell in the guilt of another week of failing, but it is like an old familiar room that draws me through the door. Need to get past that and start living in ALL the truth. Trying.