Sitting here in the little RV in Montana I'm trying to take stock of how I'm doing eating. Not too well. Not too terrible. So what does that mean? As we move through our days here it's filled with lots of busy and wonderful times. Loving on babies, talking with my daughter, looking out at the mountains, barbecuing. The last few times we came out here for a visit I ate horribly! I ate like I would never have another chance to eat. I'm not sure why I did that. I think maybe because I was doing my usual "don't think or feel your emotions or you won't be able to keep life together" escape plan. When I get too emotional I eat. Always the answer. Can't come up with a better one so far.
I remember the year I was adopted, about age five, that my eating was not an issue. Rather it was a different kind of issue. My adopted family only found one food that I would eat and that was oatmeal. Every meal consisted of oatmeal with lots of whole milk and sugar on it. I finally branched out to butter sugar sandwiches. No, really, I ate those sweet things and loved them. Then suddenly (or so it seemed to me) my parents and the family doctor declared me fat and at eight the dieting started. I can only assume that the emotional trauma of being once again moved to another home, this time to be adopted, was the reason I wasn't eating. Then, I assume that the emotional trauma was "fixed" by using food, particularly sweet food.
So here I am over a half of a century old and I'm still drooling at the thought of sweet foods. What do I want to do while I'm here in Montana? Eat sweet foods. What is so emotional about being here? Relationships are emotional. In the past the most important relationships in my life have been the ones to fall apart or disappear. And then there were the goodbyes. Too many. So now . . . the very fact that my family is so precious to me leaves me in an odd mental space. There is always, always, always pain associated with anyone that I love dearly. Fear of losing them, fear of hurting them, fear of abandonment, and in this case, fear of separation keeps my insides in a state of turmoil.
Lest all of this sounds too maudlin, I have to tell you that feeling these emotions is so worth it in order to have the people I love in my life. (I do have to temper myself so I don't just grab onto them and not let them leave my sight!) I think I am realizing more and more that while it might or might not be safe to love it is so necessary. I have friends that I feel this way about also, and I am shocked, absolutely shocked, to be loved by so many people. Who knew this could happen to me? Me?
I also want to report that while I haven't done well on the Weight Watchers point system this week I have done TONS better than I usually do when I am out here. Counseling has helped, your prayers have helped, some new habits have helped and being conscious of what I'm eating has helped. And the combination of these things have kept me from going into my usual sugar adoration coma like I have in the past!
So yes, I do think better is good enough. For now.
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In 2003 I wrote in my journal...Life is pain. Joy is in Christ. To live in Christ is to find joy in the midst of pain. I am not very successful at finding joy in the midst of pain. In fact i go out of my way to avoid pain...But you are right. It is so necessary to love. If we numb ourselves, close ourselves to love, we never get to have real joy. At the time I wrote in my journal I had come to the conclusion that there was just no escaping pain...not if I really wanted to experience joy. Didn't seem fair to me.
ReplyDeleteI also have a friend in recovery here (15 yrs)who said something that really stuck with me. She said that when she first started in recovery they told her she would "feel" everything. And boy she did. SHe said at times the emotions were so painful she tried to end her life. Now she is glad that she can feel again. She still has some times of great emotional pain, but she also has great joy. And once in recovery...you are always in recovery, but now she is in recovery with Christ.
SO I rejoice that you are doing better..and that is good enough for now. I am glad that you get this precious time with your family.
What a gift to spend the time with your family! I find any time with people I love to be a gift. The losses in my life have been so great that I realize even more the precious time I have with those God has given to me. The pain and fear and stress that comes along with it all is sometimes way too much for me though. I struggle with the momentary feelings of extreme anxiety and wonder what is going on anymore! But as Sue said, the joy in the midst of the pain, that strange joy that is not of this world, that enfolds while watching the fire, is beyond a treasure to me. It must be His strength I feel.
ReplyDeleteYour better is something to shout about! Any better, is progress and a milestone. Each day that you find better is something you need to celebrate. (not with cake though) I am proud of you. Your honesty, your clinging on to God, is an example that whatever our struggle, we can get better.