WAAA!

It ain't fair. It just ain't fair.
I've sung that tune all my life. And you know what? It ain't fair.

I've had many talks with God about how much better my life would have been, could be, would be if he had just made my body one of those bodies that doesn't put on weight. I grew up with a brother and sister who were thin. Oh joy. How come it was so easy for them? What's with that? I worked hard at being thin (some of the time) and rarely got any results. They didn't even think about what went into their mouths and never had a problem. While they happily pranced around in their thin bodies I got drug to the doctors office at age ten to be put on a diet. While they drank regular pop (yes, we called it pop) I drank diet. My mother cut out magazine articles on exercise and diets for me. I shopped in the "chubby" department while they could wear the current fad. At 14 I went back to the doctor and this time got real help. Diet pills. Now we're getting somewhere. On and off for two years I took those pills. And I was successful at dieting. It really was exciting. I could care less about food. I suddenly had energy to spare. I had a motor that wouldn't quit. It wouldn't quit at night when I went to bed either and I was shaky and nervous all the time but who cares if you're able to keep weight off. Now I never got thin on these pills. I was just able to maintain a semi-normal weight. I had two goals in life at that time, to get onto the band's pom pom squad and to be popular enough to have boyfriends. If someone had told me that taking those pills would have made me dumb, or that my toes would fall off, or even that my life would be shortened, I would not have cared. They worked. I had some control. Amphetamines work. Food wasn't an issue anymore. I fit in with the cool kids and I could be a pom pom girl and get dates. What more could a girl want? The pills made my dreams come true until they turned on me and I crashed. Ended up in the hospital, but that's another story.

This rant is to say that playing the "it's not fair" game has not served me well. And neither has the "I'll do anything to be thin" plan. I don't have a clue why God would make my sister's body the kind that can't keep weight on and my body the kind that can't get weight off. Seems like a cruel joke to me. I am, ashamedly, still working on letting that go. But I am letting that go. God is the one who made me. My sad response to the body he made for me is to whine about it and abuse it. Ok, not a gracious response. And that's my point. I want to grow up. I want to learn to appreciate what I've been given, not covet what someone else has. I want to learn to do good things for this body.

It will be hard. It is hard. I have a lifetime of habits to overcome. A lot of things need to change, including my thought life. New habits need to be formed and old ones have to be dismantled. Attitudes need to be refreshed and work has to be accepted and carried out. Ah, thank goodness that --fair or not--- God, friends and family, let me have do overs. Now I have to let myself have do overs.