WAAA!

It ain't fair. It just ain't fair.
I've sung that tune all my life. And you know what? It ain't fair.

I've had many talks with God about how much better my life would have been, could be, would be if he had just made my body one of those bodies that doesn't put on weight. I grew up with a brother and sister who were thin. Oh joy. How come it was so easy for them? What's with that? I worked hard at being thin (some of the time) and rarely got any results. They didn't even think about what went into their mouths and never had a problem. While they happily pranced around in their thin bodies I got drug to the doctors office at age ten to be put on a diet. While they drank regular pop (yes, we called it pop) I drank diet. My mother cut out magazine articles on exercise and diets for me. I shopped in the "chubby" department while they could wear the current fad. At 14 I went back to the doctor and this time got real help. Diet pills. Now we're getting somewhere. On and off for two years I took those pills. And I was successful at dieting. It really was exciting. I could care less about food. I suddenly had energy to spare. I had a motor that wouldn't quit. It wouldn't quit at night when I went to bed either and I was shaky and nervous all the time but who cares if you're able to keep weight off. Now I never got thin on these pills. I was just able to maintain a semi-normal weight. I had two goals in life at that time, to get onto the band's pom pom squad and to be popular enough to have boyfriends. If someone had told me that taking those pills would have made me dumb, or that my toes would fall off, or even that my life would be shortened, I would not have cared. They worked. I had some control. Amphetamines work. Food wasn't an issue anymore. I fit in with the cool kids and I could be a pom pom girl and get dates. What more could a girl want? The pills made my dreams come true until they turned on me and I crashed. Ended up in the hospital, but that's another story.

This rant is to say that playing the "it's not fair" game has not served me well. And neither has the "I'll do anything to be thin" plan. I don't have a clue why God would make my sister's body the kind that can't keep weight on and my body the kind that can't get weight off. Seems like a cruel joke to me. I am, ashamedly, still working on letting that go. But I am letting that go. God is the one who made me. My sad response to the body he made for me is to whine about it and abuse it. Ok, not a gracious response. And that's my point. I want to grow up. I want to learn to appreciate what I've been given, not covet what someone else has. I want to learn to do good things for this body.

It will be hard. It is hard. I have a lifetime of habits to overcome. A lot of things need to change, including my thought life. New habits need to be formed and old ones have to be dismantled. Attitudes need to be refreshed and work has to be accepted and carried out. Ah, thank goodness that --fair or not--- God, friends and family, let me have do overs. Now I have to let myself have do overs.

Victory followed by Defeat

Ok, that was a little bit of an exaggeration. I did have victory at the scales. Almost too much of a victory? I lost seven lbs. Now, I'm not upset about losing seven pounds, I just don't know how I did that. I was very careful about staying within my points but other times when I have done that I sure didn't lose that much. So, I'll assume that this was a super week and not be upset if it doesn't happen again or if the next week or two is slow. But seven pounds!! woo hoo. That makes the total lost from my highest weight is 12lbs off! only 213 lbs to go. no big deal.
The defeat part was the afternoon of weigh in day. Let's just say it was out of control. I did what I frequently do. I knew I wanted, and felt I deserved, a planned treat.
Hmm, let's see, what can I have to reward myself? A McDonalds ice cream cone would be good. it's a hot day so that would be perfect. Darn, that ice cream cone didn't taste like I thought it would. In fact it didn't have much taste at all. Well that's disappointing. I'll just have something else. How about a piece of pie. That's the ticket. I'll enjoy that. Darn again, I ate it but it wasn't satisfying. What's with that? And here I am, all those points gone and I still NEED some sweet treat. Or, maybe I need something salty. Maybe that's the problem. I know, I'll have french fries. Those are "bad" so it will really feel like a treat if I have those. One french fry, two french fries, all the french fries. Still not it. Well, I've really blown it now. I better make myself add all these points up and track them. How many points? NO WAY!
That's the way the afternoon went. Going from a great weigh in to a mess of a frantic binge. It was disappointing. Took all day to get myself to face it, write it, accept it and most importantly, talk to myself the way that I should. I'm here to report that I didn't die and in fact have lived to get back on track.
The next few weeks are going to be difficult. I will be traveling and livng away from home and that's when I lose my ability to stay in charge, stay in control. Will have to see if I can change that this time.

Weigh n Tomorrow

I'm looking forward to weigh in tomorrow. I've been a "good girl." Which really just means I've been responsible with my eating. Some weeks it's not going to be like that. Weeks that I give up or fail to meet my expectations are weeks that I dread weigh in. Obviously.

Unless you live in the diet world week after week or year after year you have no idea what it means to step on those scales. The number that comes up represents your success or failure. That number represents YOU. It shows the world whether or not you are serious about your weight loss. It's a number you only share with those who you trust with your emotional well being.

It's a number that represents your/my value in society.

Yes, I said it. And sometimes I even believe it. Sometimes in my heart I believe that I really am that number on the scale. The higher the number the lower my worth. But, my head tells me that this way of measuring my worth is not accurate. That both society and myself have set up a false standard.

I was made by God. I know without any doubt -- truly not one smidgen of doubt -- that he loves me whether I am a size four or a size 6x. He loved me before I ever loved him. And, it's not a surprise to him that I've added all these pounds. It's when I close my mind to this truth and listen to what the world says that I start wondering. Is God disappointed in me? Do I have the right to come sit at his feet when I'm this huge? Can I ever be an example of a Godly woman when I look like this?

I don't have all the answers. All I know is to go back to scripture. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. I'm not a mistake. I have abused my body that God gave me, but he forgives me. Nothing will ever stop his love pouring down on me.
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jer 31:3 or as The Message says: GOD told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!

I don't see anything about a weight qualification in there.

Day Five of the Journey

Actually calling this day five is like saying that Liz Taylor is just getting married for the first time. I've been here numerous times. The beginning of a diet. Oh can anything be so exciting and so terrifying at the same time. I'm excited that I have the opportunity to try again. Terrified that I have the opportunity to try again. Excited because I might actually do this. Terrified that I might fail again. It still amazes me that dieting can take up so much emotional space in my life.
I am doing Weight Watchers again. Or rather still. For the last TWO YEARS I have gained and lost the same few pounds, the only progress I can claim is that I haven't gained my usual 10lbs a year. And, yes, I do consider that progress. I have dutifully paid my monthly $39 to WW and sat in meetings and tried to convince myself that not only did I want to do this but that I really could do this. My amazing leader, Mandie, is who really kept me going. She's is both fluffy and deep. Good things just bubble out of Mandie and give you a little touch of energy and encouragement. Then she opens her mouth and something she says hits you as serious truth. You want to catch both the bubbles and the truth. Even after all the yo yo-ing at Mandies scale, I never ever got disappointment from Mandie. Always love and encouragement.
Mandie has had to give up her full time work for WW so I have started with a new leader. I have only been to two of Sandi's meetings but I can tell already that she's a combination of teacher and cheerleader. I'm looking forward to gleaning wisdom from her and hopefully catching her enthusiasm.
Deep breath. So, here I go again.

The Fat Lady Warms Up

I know, I know, a ton (pun intended) of fat people are blogging these days. Well, what can I say. I think it's time for me to get on that bandwagon. It's supposed to be therapeutic to write about your trials. And, to be honest, who else is going to want to listen to a fat 53 year old woman as she desperately attempts the, seemingly, impossible goal to lose over 200lbs?