so so long

It's been three weeks since I posted. More if you don't consider mmmmmmmmm to be a coherent blog post. Life is pretty strange right now and yet it's actually very calm. I've been sick for three months with Lymes and it has taken over my life somewhat. Fevers most days and pain most days but I think it may be slowing down now. Maybe. I've thought that before so I won't get my hopes up too high. You just don't know with these bizarre l ittle spirochetes that have moved into my body. They are strange creatures that look something like a corkscrew that has been elongated. They wiggle and swim and move their little bodies all around. They seem to like to socialize with one another too. Who knew?
Food. If you're reading this you probably are wondering about my relationship with food these days. Food and I are still really close. Too close. I've gained weight. Not sure if it is totally from eating or somewhat from this weird sickness.
I don't feel any closer to having a healthy eating habit. I crave, crave, crave sweets. Once I finish with one sweet treat I start thinking about the next one. Can't explain it. It's just the way I am. I know that I am more aware of what I eat, but still, does it make me make better choices? Not usually. Sometimes.
Can I tell you how I fantasize about getting control of my weight? I think about it daily. Usually several times a day. I imagine myself getting into this great battle to lose weight and gain health. I can even imagine myself someday helping somebody else get through it, but I can't make it a reality. I read about a new diet book and wish it would be that one "missing link" that would help me suddenly become successful. I see an ad for an exercise machine and wonder if it's really the miracle machine that will slim and trim this obese body. Is there a guru out there that will teach me the way? A food that I can become addicted to that will grant me perfect metabolism? Nah.
I fear I know the answer to losing my excess weight and it depends on me. Me who doesn't succeed at much of anything and yet needs to succeed at a long arduous journey that truthfully I have no desire to take the first step. A journey where 95% of the people who start out on it give up along the way.
How? How will I ever do it? I've been this way so so long and the "fix" would take so so long.