Round and Round She Goes

I feel like I'm on some kind of loop in my life. This is another bad week of eating. I don't have any excuses. I just ate. And ate. And ate.
I have watched the show Intervention a few times and realize that I truly do have an addiction. Their definition of addiction is; when you are drawn to and continue in self destructive behavior and can not stop yourself. Oh yes.
How do you stop an addiction that you have to participate in to live? Willpower? Tricks? Surgery? Games? Liquid diets? What's going to work for Robin?

It's a good day!

I felt good for most of the day today! It's a different world out there when you feel healthy. In fact there is a whole big wide world out there. I think I forgot that. Will this last or is this just a teaser? Well that is yet to be seen, but, I will enjoy it while it lasts.
At Weight Watchers today I showed a gain of 2 1/2 pounds. Not good. But I don't care!!! I feel good today! That makes the total lost so far 13lbs instead of 16lbs. Ok, so back to work. Bring it on.

Designer Truth

You don't see me. You don't hear me. If I just stay silent and hidden maybe you won't notice that I'm not losing weight. Maybe you won't notice that I'm failing. Once again.

I want to be a doer. I want to be a winner. But do I want it enough? I am thinking of my friend who, a few years ago, had a melt down because her husband told her things about herself that she didn't want to hear. She was furious. As we sat down to talk I got an earful. After letting the steam escape I offered soothing murmurings that I knew she wanted to hear. But even as I nodded and encouraged I was thinking to myself that everything her husband told her was true. It was also obvious by her reaction to his words that she knew she had issues that needed to be dealt with. Now we weren't close friends so I didn't feel it was appropriate to say her husband had hit the nail on the head and that the faults he had highlighted were obvious to everyone but her! In her anger and hurt she had closed her ears to everything that was said and instead designed her own truth that made her the victim, the innocent, and eventually the aggressor.

I bring up my friend because I am frequently just like her. I need to change, but I don't want to do the work it takes to change. If you try to tell me I need to change I figuratively put my fingers in my ears so that "I can't hear yoooouu!" It's so much easier to come up with excuses and to blame anything or anybody else. I don't rant and rave, I'm more likely to eat Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk till I'm sick. I know this about me.

I try to stay honest. The truth is that I have slow metabolism, asthma, a deformed foot that needs surgery, a genetic predisposition to being obese, and a huge load of emotional/mental issues. Those are my truths. They are truths that define my life. What I need to do is learn to remember the "other" truths too. I am the only one who controls what I eat, my physical problems could be a whole lot worse, I've actually made progress on my mental issues, I haven't quit, and I have friends, family and a heavenly Father that's rooting for me. Those are truths too! There is just something in my brain that doesn't "see" these truths as readily. Oh, come on, I'll just say it, faith in me is just about non existent.

Trying not to dwell in the guilt of another week of failing, but it is like an old familiar room that draws me through the door. Need to get past that and start living in ALL the truth. Trying.

Somebody Stop the Girl!

Ok, my nausea is over. Good news, right? But . . . now I can eat. AHHHH! While I was nauseated I lost weight and I told myself that once I could eat again I wouldn't let that get out of hand.
I lied.
I am eating everything in sight. Everything suddenly tastes good where before nothing tasted good. I need to STOP!

Detours

Somehow life has a way of directing it's own flow. For about three weeks or so I have been sick. Maybe it is Lyme Disease or Colorado Tick Fever. Who knows. Several doctors appts and blood draws later no one seems to know for sure so I am being treated for Lyme Disease.

I find it ironic that my big issue in life is not being able to control my eating when right now I truly can't control what is happening to my body. I realize that I really could be in control of what I put in my mouth. I know that in my mind anyway. Why it doesn't happen is somewhat of a mystery to me? I also am shocked at how much my body is doing things without my consent! Fevers, nausea, low blood counts . . . what's with that?

So, when I'm awake I have food for thought, so to speak.