continued . . .

The depression continues. Have not given into it entirely but somewhat. I did get up and clean house, or rather RV, rather than go out and get ice cream. So far. I have to admit that at this point my mantra becomes, who cares what I eat?

My Enemy

The old cloud of depression is covering me tonight. Now I remember why it is so hard to care about how much I eat or what I do or how I feel. I know better than to totally give in but I do feel like just not fighting. It is a tiring enemy. It comes on like a heavy fog that you can feel. A blanket that smothers you and hides you from the light.

There are good things and I will think on those and let this pass.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.. phillipians 4:8 and 9

Is Better Good Enough?

Sitting here in the little RV in Montana I'm trying to take stock of how I'm doing eating. Not too well. Not too terrible. So what does that mean? As we move through our days here it's filled with lots of busy and wonderful times. Loving on babies, talking with my daughter, looking out at the mountains, barbecuing. The last few times we came out here for a visit I ate horribly! I ate like I would never have another chance to eat. I'm not sure why I did that. I think maybe because I was doing my usual "don't think or feel your emotions or you won't be able to keep life together" escape plan. When I get too emotional I eat. Always the answer. Can't come up with a better one so far.

I remember the year I was adopted, about age five, that my eating was not an issue. Rather it was a different kind of issue. My adopted family only found one food that I would eat and that was oatmeal. Every meal consisted of oatmeal with lots of whole milk and sugar on it. I finally branched out to butter sugar sandwiches. No, really, I ate those sweet things and loved them. Then suddenly (or so it seemed to me) my parents and the family doctor declared me fat and at eight the dieting started. I can only assume that the emotional trauma of being once again moved to another home, this time to be adopted, was the reason I wasn't eating. Then, I assume that the emotional trauma was "fixed" by using food, particularly sweet food.

So here I am over a half of a century old and I'm still drooling at the thought of sweet foods. What do I want to do while I'm here in Montana? Eat sweet foods. What is so emotional about being here? Relationships are emotional. In the past the most important relationships in my life have been the ones to fall apart or disappear. And then there were the goodbyes. Too many. So now . . . the very fact that my family is so precious to me leaves me in an odd mental space. There is always, always, always pain associated with anyone that I love dearly. Fear of losing them, fear of hurting them, fear of abandonment, and in this case, fear of separation keeps my insides in a state of turmoil.

Lest all of this sounds too maudlin, I have to tell you that feeling these emotions is so worth it in order to have the people I love in my life. (I do have to temper myself so I don't just grab onto them and not let them leave my sight!) I think I am realizing more and more that while it might or might not be safe to love it is so necessary. I have friends that I feel this way about also, and I am shocked, absolutely shocked, to be loved by so many people. Who knew this could happen to me? Me?

I also want to report that while I haven't done well on the Weight Watchers point system this week I have done TONS better than I usually do when I am out here. Counseling has helped, your prayers have helped, some new habits have helped and being conscious of what I'm eating has helped. And the combination of these things have kept me from going into my usual sugar adoration coma like I have in the past!

So yes, I do think better is good enough. For now.

Robin Lost Her Groove

AUGH! I got out of the groove. You know the one. You determine you are modifying some behavior and at first you are in that determined mode and nothing gets in your way. You are firmly in the groove and headed in the right direction. Those days you wonder why it ever seemed so hard. You make all kinds of plans and you look into the future and you can even imagine yourself succeeding. Well, at least for a little bit.

But . . . it's hard to stay in the groove. Life gets in the way. Emotions get in the way. Time gets in the way. Sin gets in the way. Need I go on?

I'm sitting here at Coffee Cat with my iced coffee beside me reflecting over my efforts at healthy living. The last two days I have been eating off program. Why? Well, I don't know. Because life is kind of weird right now. Sleep is weird. I'm unfocused and unorganized, my usual when there's too much to do. People I love are sick. And probably I'm off program because I can use all these things as excuses.

Trinity Kay is sitting here beside me. She just happened to walk in and there happened to be an empty seat along the wall beside me. She's been talking about all these cool things that God has done in her life recently. Trinity can see God everywhere. Even the totaling of her car!

Me? I think I have some neuron re-routing to do because that's certainly not my first thought. Did I pray these last two days when I got off track? No. Instead of praying I tried to hide it. ?? Did I see God active in my life during this time? No. Did I trust him to care about my frustrations, my wanderings? No. Was I open to his discipline to teach me? No. Those immediate thought processes of Trinity's don't come automatically for me. If I had turned to God and poured out my heart I could have had help. I could have had forgiveness. I could have had love. I just didn't want to face it at all so I hid.

Trinity says she's reading a book about intentional living. Hm. What a concept. Do you I might need to read that book? Do you think it's a fluke, just fate or an accident that Trinity stopped by and we had a talk about intentional living and what that means? Nah, me either.

So . . . I think I'll stop and pray. I think I'll tell God what I did (like he doesn't know) and tell him how much I need him. How much I want to trust him even when I don't feel like I can. I think I'll ask for strength and direction. I think I'll keep my eyes open to see HIS groove and get myself firmly entrenched. Robin, get your groove back!

A Rose by Any Other Name

I get a lot of interesting ads on the borders of the sites I read online. Makes me realize that somebody out there really does keep track of those marketing cookies. Since I frequent diet web sites I am inundated with ads for the latest greatest diet to come on the market.
Today I saw that there is a new contender called the Great Cookie Diet. Hey, I already developed that one. Did a lot of research into it too. It didn't work but I might be tempted to try that one again. I also see that there is The Personality Diet. Ha, that's what got me into this predicament in the first place!
These days a lot of diets are regional. I wonder if you need to live in the area to partake of the Sonoma Diet or the South Beach Diet. (And does the south end of any beach do?) Do you have to speak a foreign language to get started in the French Women Don't Get Fat Diet?
Some diets have misleading names. Take the Mayo Clinic Diet. Sadly it does not promote the abundance of mayonnaise in it's recipes. And the Three Hour Diet? Don't ya just bet it only lasts three hours. Sure. I had to laugh at the one called You-- On a Diet. Like that's new? I've been doing this for forty years. Have you heard about The Cheater's Diet? Hmm, do you succeed on that one by staying on it or getting off of it?
It nice to get a laugh out of diets for a change. The reality of eat less move more is not nearly as fun or colorful. But, it's the one I'm sticking with. Oh yeah, Robin's checkin' into reality.