Tiny Hope

I have lost ten pounds. Almost afraid to say that. I have inched, our ounced, my way down. I'm afraid it won't last. I'm afraid I won't last.

The best thing that has happened lately is the Friday evening WW meeting. It's for people who have 50 or more pounds to lose. OK, so I'm still the largest person there, but it's better than sitting in a room full of people who need to lose 8lbs or 12lbs or 16lbs. I certainly applaud them for being there and making changes in their life, it just that they will only be there for a month or two or three. I, however, will be there for years. The people who come in to lose their weight when they have small amounts to lose are so smart. They stopped their behavior early before too much damage was done. But, it reminds me that I didn't do that. They are talking about getting back into their size 4 clothes and I am wondering if I will ever get back into size 24 clothes. Unfortunately, those of us who have gained massive amounts of weight have multiple problems that go beyond the normal overweight person. We have size issues that we deal with every day. We have long ingrained habits that take long and painful efforts to change. We have emotional reasons for abusing ourselves. We feel shame and are afraid to be honest about our problems. Thus, a group specifically designed for us --- it's a good thing.

Moving Fractions of an Inch

These last two weeks I have lost weight. I have now lost a grand total of . . . . five pounds! Yes, I know that looking at the vast amount of weight that I have to lose that this is a pathetic number. But, it is a number that represents inching on down the road in the RIGHT direction. I'm excited to be going the right way but I am finding that losing weight takes time and can be tiring. Not only does it take a long time to lose the weight itself, it takes time to plan your food, count your food, prepare your food, work on your thinking, habits, etc. I'm surprised at just how much time it takes. This is what I didn't want to have to do, but I'm doing it anyway. I think for me it is going to take a tremendous amount of focus on changing my habits to have any success at moving down the road at all. And to focus on something means giving it time and energy and importance.

So, I won't be running and some days even walking may be difficult, but I if nothing else I will scoot myself down that road inch by inch.

Oh No! No Ah Ha!

If you read as many diet books, or watch as many weight loss stories on TV, as I do you know the turning point of all these stories is the "ah ha" moment. It's the point in the story where the dieter tells you about some turning point in their life when they are suddenly hit with a revelation or situation and now, TA DA!, they are able to diet and the weight just drops off their bodies! I keep watching and listening and reading diet stories so I can vicariously share the experience of the ah ha movement because I've never had mine yet.
For these successful dieters the turning point usually is something emotionally heavy; the death of a loved one, an illness, a cruel remark about their weight, a doctors admonition, etc. Many talk about a agonizingly horrifying embarrassing moment that changes their life forever. I have truly read these with tearful eyes and an occasional gasp. Then my eyes glaze over as I ponder the possibility of such a happening changing my life. Someday my ah ha moment will come! In an instant I will realize the error of my ways and I will turn and walk the straight and narrow. Someday food won't tempt me as much as righteous eating calls my name! Ohh, ah ha moment, come soon!
Well, I'm 54 years old and way way way over pleasingly plump so obviously I'm still waiting. It's not that I don't look for it. And, occasionally I think I even experience it. Maybe it's the day I can't wear the seat belt on an airplane. ??? No, guess that wasn't it. Maybe it's the day the stranger yells and asks me how many doughnuts I eat. ??? No, not that one either. Let's see . . maybe it's when the lady standing in line behind me at the bank starts giggling and tells me that she didn't know people could get that big. ??? Hmm, no, not it. Ok, it must be when I leave the doctors office in tears because he just laid into me over my weight because it is crippling my feet. That has got to be it! Oh, I guess not.
I keep thinking that moment is still to come. When is my turn? How am I ever going to be able to write a diet book if I don't have a ah ha moment? I've even thought it could be a good moment. Can I lose weight for the grandbabies? For my husband? So I can fly in a plane and visit family? Maybe I can do it if I think about being a good witness for the Lord. Maybe .... maybe . ....
Recently I was talking to a friend about the lack of ah ha moments and she said, "well maybe this is your ah ha moment." Well, I didn't think that qualified as anything dramatic enough to be an official ah ha moment, but since then . . . I've been thinking about that. Can my ah ha moment be the day I realize I'm not ever going to have an ah ha moment? All I can say is that the conversation has been on some kind of loop in my brain and floats to the top on a regular basis. Who knows. Maybe accepting that I don't have to, and in fact can't, wait for an ah ha moment just might be a good thing. If this is my ah ha moment though I have got to make up a good story for my book, but I can do that.

Taking it to the Cross

Warning: Do not read if the words " I am starting again" causes extreme feelings of digust or frustration. As a matter of fact, you might not want to read this blog ever if that's the case. I do a lot of "starting again." 8>)

I am fat. Fat, fat, fat. I can't stop eating! Nothing new here. I am back to my original top weight. I hate it more than ever. It feels worse than it ever has. I haven't given up on being healthy, but it really does feel impossible. FEEL being the operative word. I go through my life making a lot of decisions based on my emotions. It's an automatic response for me, a form of auto pilot. Of course I have worked on maturing myself so that I work through the emotions . . . some of the time. More often than before, that's for sure. The idea is to design a plan of help for myself that does not have emotions as it's foundation.

So, I am starting again. What am I doing to make this different than the last time?. A few things. One, I'm immersing myself in information. I have three new books. One is The Primal Wound. A book recommended to me by someone I think is wise. It's about the wound left inside the adoptive person. I know this wound is there. I can name it now, but I don't know what to do about it. So, I am hoping that by reading this book I get more information and maybe even experience some healing of my own personal primal wound. The next book I am reading is This Year I Will...: Learn How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True One of the chapters in it deals with the idea that you get something from your old habits that you need to address before you can move on. Something I suspect I need to deal with. The third book I ordered is, Locked Up for Eating Too Much: The Diary of a Food Addict in Rehab. I know I am addicted to food. No, I'm not calling it an addiction so that I don't have to deal with it. I call it an addiction because it meets the definition of addiction.

I am also currently doing a Bible study by Beth Moore; John, 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple. The last lesson I did was about the disciple John watching his Lord die on the cross and how it must have shook his world. This man he had followed and loved was dying, leaving this world. One of the things I have learned this week during my study is that, in Beth's words, "When death of some kind comes and we are willing to take it to the cross, to stay nearby and to suffer it's grief, we will also experience the resurrection." I need to give up my addiction to food. If you have never been here, it must sound strange, but food is my drug, my comfort, my secret vice. It is my solace when sad times come, my pleasure in dull and boring times, and my anesthetic when fear and emptiness take over. Worst of all, it is what I use to fill the empty void that should be filled with God. To give up food will be a big deal. You have no idea. I don't entirely know what it means to give up food. After all, I will still have to eat. And, I know food was meant for good, for nutrition and pleasure. Yet I've used it for abusing my body and hiding from the life my Father has given me. All that I know is that I need to take it to the cross and leave it there. Pray that I can do that.

Really

I have posted since the last time. Really. I wrote two blog posts but I made the mistake of saving them. Where they are saved I don't have a clue. I have tried to find them but they don't seem to want to be found!

I know the question you want answered is how am I doing on my diet? Well, I stink. I am going crazy eating. I know you are disappointed dear reader, but not as disappointed as I am. I have some weird addiction going on. No, I have not given up. I am trying to draw on my strength, God's strength and all the information that I know about getting healthy. I confess to you that I am failing. Tired.

so so long

It's been three weeks since I posted. More if you don't consider mmmmmmmmm to be a coherent blog post. Life is pretty strange right now and yet it's actually very calm. I've been sick for three months with Lymes and it has taken over my life somewhat. Fevers most days and pain most days but I think it may be slowing down now. Maybe. I've thought that before so I won't get my hopes up too high. You just don't know with these bizarre l ittle spirochetes that have moved into my body. They are strange creatures that look something like a corkscrew that has been elongated. They wiggle and swim and move their little bodies all around. They seem to like to socialize with one another too. Who knew?
Food. If you're reading this you probably are wondering about my relationship with food these days. Food and I are still really close. Too close. I've gained weight. Not sure if it is totally from eating or somewhat from this weird sickness.
I don't feel any closer to having a healthy eating habit. I crave, crave, crave sweets. Once I finish with one sweet treat I start thinking about the next one. Can't explain it. It's just the way I am. I know that I am more aware of what I eat, but still, does it make me make better choices? Not usually. Sometimes.
Can I tell you how I fantasize about getting control of my weight? I think about it daily. Usually several times a day. I imagine myself getting into this great battle to lose weight and gain health. I can even imagine myself someday helping somebody else get through it, but I can't make it a reality. I read about a new diet book and wish it would be that one "missing link" that would help me suddenly become successful. I see an ad for an exercise machine and wonder if it's really the miracle machine that will slim and trim this obese body. Is there a guru out there that will teach me the way? A food that I can become addicted to that will grant me perfect metabolism? Nah.
I fear I know the answer to losing my excess weight and it depends on me. Me who doesn't succeed at much of anything and yet needs to succeed at a long arduous journey that truthfully I have no desire to take the first step. A journey where 95% of the people who start out on it give up along the way.
How? How will I ever do it? I've been this way so so long and the "fix" would take so so long.

m

mmmmmmmmm

Making My Lists and Checking them . . . Lots and Lots

Last week the discussion at Weight Watchers was about motivation. I have heard of motivation. I know that some people seem to have it. I just don't. I can either try to fake it or try to manufacture it or just be honest and say that I don't have it. I guess that is not entirely accurate. I do have some motivation. I want to feel better. That is motivation. I don't want to be a freak anymore. I want to be able to have the energy to do the things I want to do and need to do. I want to live to play with my grandchildren. I want those things but apparently I don't want anything more than I want the soothing effect of food. It's a shaming truth.
I did listen to my leader at WW though. She has lost over 100lbs and used both a reward list and a "get it back" list. A reward list means that you schedule rewards for yourself as you lose weight. Sandi, my leader, scheduled a reward for every five pounds lost. That seemed a little crazy to me and a little expensive and a little self indulgent. But, it also sounded interesting. I've heard about doing that before but always turned away from it. The "get it back" list is about listing all the things you want to get back that you have given up because of excess weight. Now that one I can get into. So, I started making my lists. Both lists. This time I'm going for the whole experience.
In my reward list are things that cost money. Little things and big things. Among them are a magazine subscription (The English Home) a new plant for my deck (Jasmin) and getting my teeth whitened. Also listed are experiences. Things like a trip to the zoo (got to get my tiger fix ) spending a day reading a book at the ocean, and trying my hand at painting. Both lists are long because there is something for each five pounds lost and a whole lost of things I can't do now and want to do again.
I don't know if rewarding myself is selfish or not, but I'm going to do it because that seems to be how the winners -- the successful people -- do it. I'm tired of analyzing everything. I'm just going to go for it.

Round and Round She Goes

I feel like I'm on some kind of loop in my life. This is another bad week of eating. I don't have any excuses. I just ate. And ate. And ate.
I have watched the show Intervention a few times and realize that I truly do have an addiction. Their definition of addiction is; when you are drawn to and continue in self destructive behavior and can not stop yourself. Oh yes.
How do you stop an addiction that you have to participate in to live? Willpower? Tricks? Surgery? Games? Liquid diets? What's going to work for Robin?

It's a good day!

I felt good for most of the day today! It's a different world out there when you feel healthy. In fact there is a whole big wide world out there. I think I forgot that. Will this last or is this just a teaser? Well that is yet to be seen, but, I will enjoy it while it lasts.
At Weight Watchers today I showed a gain of 2 1/2 pounds. Not good. But I don't care!!! I feel good today! That makes the total lost so far 13lbs instead of 16lbs. Ok, so back to work. Bring it on.

Designer Truth

You don't see me. You don't hear me. If I just stay silent and hidden maybe you won't notice that I'm not losing weight. Maybe you won't notice that I'm failing. Once again.

I want to be a doer. I want to be a winner. But do I want it enough? I am thinking of my friend who, a few years ago, had a melt down because her husband told her things about herself that she didn't want to hear. She was furious. As we sat down to talk I got an earful. After letting the steam escape I offered soothing murmurings that I knew she wanted to hear. But even as I nodded and encouraged I was thinking to myself that everything her husband told her was true. It was also obvious by her reaction to his words that she knew she had issues that needed to be dealt with. Now we weren't close friends so I didn't feel it was appropriate to say her husband had hit the nail on the head and that the faults he had highlighted were obvious to everyone but her! In her anger and hurt she had closed her ears to everything that was said and instead designed her own truth that made her the victim, the innocent, and eventually the aggressor.

I bring up my friend because I am frequently just like her. I need to change, but I don't want to do the work it takes to change. If you try to tell me I need to change I figuratively put my fingers in my ears so that "I can't hear yoooouu!" It's so much easier to come up with excuses and to blame anything or anybody else. I don't rant and rave, I'm more likely to eat Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk till I'm sick. I know this about me.

I try to stay honest. The truth is that I have slow metabolism, asthma, a deformed foot that needs surgery, a genetic predisposition to being obese, and a huge load of emotional/mental issues. Those are my truths. They are truths that define my life. What I need to do is learn to remember the "other" truths too. I am the only one who controls what I eat, my physical problems could be a whole lot worse, I've actually made progress on my mental issues, I haven't quit, and I have friends, family and a heavenly Father that's rooting for me. Those are truths too! There is just something in my brain that doesn't "see" these truths as readily. Oh, come on, I'll just say it, faith in me is just about non existent.

Trying not to dwell in the guilt of another week of failing, but it is like an old familiar room that draws me through the door. Need to get past that and start living in ALL the truth. Trying.

Somebody Stop the Girl!

Ok, my nausea is over. Good news, right? But . . . now I can eat. AHHHH! While I was nauseated I lost weight and I told myself that once I could eat again I wouldn't let that get out of hand.
I lied.
I am eating everything in sight. Everything suddenly tastes good where before nothing tasted good. I need to STOP!

Detours

Somehow life has a way of directing it's own flow. For about three weeks or so I have been sick. Maybe it is Lyme Disease or Colorado Tick Fever. Who knows. Several doctors appts and blood draws later no one seems to know for sure so I am being treated for Lyme Disease.

I find it ironic that my big issue in life is not being able to control my eating when right now I truly can't control what is happening to my body. I realize that I really could be in control of what I put in my mouth. I know that in my mind anyway. Why it doesn't happen is somewhat of a mystery to me? I also am shocked at how much my body is doing things without my consent! Fevers, nausea, low blood counts . . . what's with that?

So, when I'm awake I have food for thought, so to speak.

continued . . .

The depression continues. Have not given into it entirely but somewhat. I did get up and clean house, or rather RV, rather than go out and get ice cream. So far. I have to admit that at this point my mantra becomes, who cares what I eat?

My Enemy

The old cloud of depression is covering me tonight. Now I remember why it is so hard to care about how much I eat or what I do or how I feel. I know better than to totally give in but I do feel like just not fighting. It is a tiring enemy. It comes on like a heavy fog that you can feel. A blanket that smothers you and hides you from the light.

There are good things and I will think on those and let this pass.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.. phillipians 4:8 and 9

Is Better Good Enough?

Sitting here in the little RV in Montana I'm trying to take stock of how I'm doing eating. Not too well. Not too terrible. So what does that mean? As we move through our days here it's filled with lots of busy and wonderful times. Loving on babies, talking with my daughter, looking out at the mountains, barbecuing. The last few times we came out here for a visit I ate horribly! I ate like I would never have another chance to eat. I'm not sure why I did that. I think maybe because I was doing my usual "don't think or feel your emotions or you won't be able to keep life together" escape plan. When I get too emotional I eat. Always the answer. Can't come up with a better one so far.

I remember the year I was adopted, about age five, that my eating was not an issue. Rather it was a different kind of issue. My adopted family only found one food that I would eat and that was oatmeal. Every meal consisted of oatmeal with lots of whole milk and sugar on it. I finally branched out to butter sugar sandwiches. No, really, I ate those sweet things and loved them. Then suddenly (or so it seemed to me) my parents and the family doctor declared me fat and at eight the dieting started. I can only assume that the emotional trauma of being once again moved to another home, this time to be adopted, was the reason I wasn't eating. Then, I assume that the emotional trauma was "fixed" by using food, particularly sweet food.

So here I am over a half of a century old and I'm still drooling at the thought of sweet foods. What do I want to do while I'm here in Montana? Eat sweet foods. What is so emotional about being here? Relationships are emotional. In the past the most important relationships in my life have been the ones to fall apart or disappear. And then there were the goodbyes. Too many. So now . . . the very fact that my family is so precious to me leaves me in an odd mental space. There is always, always, always pain associated with anyone that I love dearly. Fear of losing them, fear of hurting them, fear of abandonment, and in this case, fear of separation keeps my insides in a state of turmoil.

Lest all of this sounds too maudlin, I have to tell you that feeling these emotions is so worth it in order to have the people I love in my life. (I do have to temper myself so I don't just grab onto them and not let them leave my sight!) I think I am realizing more and more that while it might or might not be safe to love it is so necessary. I have friends that I feel this way about also, and I am shocked, absolutely shocked, to be loved by so many people. Who knew this could happen to me? Me?

I also want to report that while I haven't done well on the Weight Watchers point system this week I have done TONS better than I usually do when I am out here. Counseling has helped, your prayers have helped, some new habits have helped and being conscious of what I'm eating has helped. And the combination of these things have kept me from going into my usual sugar adoration coma like I have in the past!

So yes, I do think better is good enough. For now.

Robin Lost Her Groove

AUGH! I got out of the groove. You know the one. You determine you are modifying some behavior and at first you are in that determined mode and nothing gets in your way. You are firmly in the groove and headed in the right direction. Those days you wonder why it ever seemed so hard. You make all kinds of plans and you look into the future and you can even imagine yourself succeeding. Well, at least for a little bit.

But . . . it's hard to stay in the groove. Life gets in the way. Emotions get in the way. Time gets in the way. Sin gets in the way. Need I go on?

I'm sitting here at Coffee Cat with my iced coffee beside me reflecting over my efforts at healthy living. The last two days I have been eating off program. Why? Well, I don't know. Because life is kind of weird right now. Sleep is weird. I'm unfocused and unorganized, my usual when there's too much to do. People I love are sick. And probably I'm off program because I can use all these things as excuses.

Trinity Kay is sitting here beside me. She just happened to walk in and there happened to be an empty seat along the wall beside me. She's been talking about all these cool things that God has done in her life recently. Trinity can see God everywhere. Even the totaling of her car!

Me? I think I have some neuron re-routing to do because that's certainly not my first thought. Did I pray these last two days when I got off track? No. Instead of praying I tried to hide it. ?? Did I see God active in my life during this time? No. Did I trust him to care about my frustrations, my wanderings? No. Was I open to his discipline to teach me? No. Those immediate thought processes of Trinity's don't come automatically for me. If I had turned to God and poured out my heart I could have had help. I could have had forgiveness. I could have had love. I just didn't want to face it at all so I hid.

Trinity says she's reading a book about intentional living. Hm. What a concept. Do you I might need to read that book? Do you think it's a fluke, just fate or an accident that Trinity stopped by and we had a talk about intentional living and what that means? Nah, me either.

So . . . I think I'll stop and pray. I think I'll tell God what I did (like he doesn't know) and tell him how much I need him. How much I want to trust him even when I don't feel like I can. I think I'll ask for strength and direction. I think I'll keep my eyes open to see HIS groove and get myself firmly entrenched. Robin, get your groove back!

A Rose by Any Other Name

I get a lot of interesting ads on the borders of the sites I read online. Makes me realize that somebody out there really does keep track of those marketing cookies. Since I frequent diet web sites I am inundated with ads for the latest greatest diet to come on the market.
Today I saw that there is a new contender called the Great Cookie Diet. Hey, I already developed that one. Did a lot of research into it too. It didn't work but I might be tempted to try that one again. I also see that there is The Personality Diet. Ha, that's what got me into this predicament in the first place!
These days a lot of diets are regional. I wonder if you need to live in the area to partake of the Sonoma Diet or the South Beach Diet. (And does the south end of any beach do?) Do you have to speak a foreign language to get started in the French Women Don't Get Fat Diet?
Some diets have misleading names. Take the Mayo Clinic Diet. Sadly it does not promote the abundance of mayonnaise in it's recipes. And the Three Hour Diet? Don't ya just bet it only lasts three hours. Sure. I had to laugh at the one called You-- On a Diet. Like that's new? I've been doing this for forty years. Have you heard about The Cheater's Diet? Hmm, do you succeed on that one by staying on it or getting off of it?
It nice to get a laugh out of diets for a change. The reality of eat less move more is not nearly as fun or colorful. But, it's the one I'm sticking with. Oh yeah, Robin's checkin' into reality.

WAAA!

It ain't fair. It just ain't fair.
I've sung that tune all my life. And you know what? It ain't fair.

I've had many talks with God about how much better my life would have been, could be, would be if he had just made my body one of those bodies that doesn't put on weight. I grew up with a brother and sister who were thin. Oh joy. How come it was so easy for them? What's with that? I worked hard at being thin (some of the time) and rarely got any results. They didn't even think about what went into their mouths and never had a problem. While they happily pranced around in their thin bodies I got drug to the doctors office at age ten to be put on a diet. While they drank regular pop (yes, we called it pop) I drank diet. My mother cut out magazine articles on exercise and diets for me. I shopped in the "chubby" department while they could wear the current fad. At 14 I went back to the doctor and this time got real help. Diet pills. Now we're getting somewhere. On and off for two years I took those pills. And I was successful at dieting. It really was exciting. I could care less about food. I suddenly had energy to spare. I had a motor that wouldn't quit. It wouldn't quit at night when I went to bed either and I was shaky and nervous all the time but who cares if you're able to keep weight off. Now I never got thin on these pills. I was just able to maintain a semi-normal weight. I had two goals in life at that time, to get onto the band's pom pom squad and to be popular enough to have boyfriends. If someone had told me that taking those pills would have made me dumb, or that my toes would fall off, or even that my life would be shortened, I would not have cared. They worked. I had some control. Amphetamines work. Food wasn't an issue anymore. I fit in with the cool kids and I could be a pom pom girl and get dates. What more could a girl want? The pills made my dreams come true until they turned on me and I crashed. Ended up in the hospital, but that's another story.

This rant is to say that playing the "it's not fair" game has not served me well. And neither has the "I'll do anything to be thin" plan. I don't have a clue why God would make my sister's body the kind that can't keep weight on and my body the kind that can't get weight off. Seems like a cruel joke to me. I am, ashamedly, still working on letting that go. But I am letting that go. God is the one who made me. My sad response to the body he made for me is to whine about it and abuse it. Ok, not a gracious response. And that's my point. I want to grow up. I want to learn to appreciate what I've been given, not covet what someone else has. I want to learn to do good things for this body.

It will be hard. It is hard. I have a lifetime of habits to overcome. A lot of things need to change, including my thought life. New habits need to be formed and old ones have to be dismantled. Attitudes need to be refreshed and work has to be accepted and carried out. Ah, thank goodness that --fair or not--- God, friends and family, let me have do overs. Now I have to let myself have do overs.

Victory followed by Defeat

Ok, that was a little bit of an exaggeration. I did have victory at the scales. Almost too much of a victory? I lost seven lbs. Now, I'm not upset about losing seven pounds, I just don't know how I did that. I was very careful about staying within my points but other times when I have done that I sure didn't lose that much. So, I'll assume that this was a super week and not be upset if it doesn't happen again or if the next week or two is slow. But seven pounds!! woo hoo. That makes the total lost from my highest weight is 12lbs off! only 213 lbs to go. no big deal.
The defeat part was the afternoon of weigh in day. Let's just say it was out of control. I did what I frequently do. I knew I wanted, and felt I deserved, a planned treat.
Hmm, let's see, what can I have to reward myself? A McDonalds ice cream cone would be good. it's a hot day so that would be perfect. Darn, that ice cream cone didn't taste like I thought it would. In fact it didn't have much taste at all. Well that's disappointing. I'll just have something else. How about a piece of pie. That's the ticket. I'll enjoy that. Darn again, I ate it but it wasn't satisfying. What's with that? And here I am, all those points gone and I still NEED some sweet treat. Or, maybe I need something salty. Maybe that's the problem. I know, I'll have french fries. Those are "bad" so it will really feel like a treat if I have those. One french fry, two french fries, all the french fries. Still not it. Well, I've really blown it now. I better make myself add all these points up and track them. How many points? NO WAY!
That's the way the afternoon went. Going from a great weigh in to a mess of a frantic binge. It was disappointing. Took all day to get myself to face it, write it, accept it and most importantly, talk to myself the way that I should. I'm here to report that I didn't die and in fact have lived to get back on track.
The next few weeks are going to be difficult. I will be traveling and livng away from home and that's when I lose my ability to stay in charge, stay in control. Will have to see if I can change that this time.

Weigh n Tomorrow

I'm looking forward to weigh in tomorrow. I've been a "good girl." Which really just means I've been responsible with my eating. Some weeks it's not going to be like that. Weeks that I give up or fail to meet my expectations are weeks that I dread weigh in. Obviously.

Unless you live in the diet world week after week or year after year you have no idea what it means to step on those scales. The number that comes up represents your success or failure. That number represents YOU. It shows the world whether or not you are serious about your weight loss. It's a number you only share with those who you trust with your emotional well being.

It's a number that represents your/my value in society.

Yes, I said it. And sometimes I even believe it. Sometimes in my heart I believe that I really am that number on the scale. The higher the number the lower my worth. But, my head tells me that this way of measuring my worth is not accurate. That both society and myself have set up a false standard.

I was made by God. I know without any doubt -- truly not one smidgen of doubt -- that he loves me whether I am a size four or a size 6x. He loved me before I ever loved him. And, it's not a surprise to him that I've added all these pounds. It's when I close my mind to this truth and listen to what the world says that I start wondering. Is God disappointed in me? Do I have the right to come sit at his feet when I'm this huge? Can I ever be an example of a Godly woman when I look like this?

I don't have all the answers. All I know is to go back to scripture. I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. I'm not a mistake. I have abused my body that God gave me, but he forgives me. Nothing will ever stop his love pouring down on me.
The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness. Jer 31:3 or as The Message says: GOD told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!

I don't see anything about a weight qualification in there.

Day Five of the Journey

Actually calling this day five is like saying that Liz Taylor is just getting married for the first time. I've been here numerous times. The beginning of a diet. Oh can anything be so exciting and so terrifying at the same time. I'm excited that I have the opportunity to try again. Terrified that I have the opportunity to try again. Excited because I might actually do this. Terrified that I might fail again. It still amazes me that dieting can take up so much emotional space in my life.
I am doing Weight Watchers again. Or rather still. For the last TWO YEARS I have gained and lost the same few pounds, the only progress I can claim is that I haven't gained my usual 10lbs a year. And, yes, I do consider that progress. I have dutifully paid my monthly $39 to WW and sat in meetings and tried to convince myself that not only did I want to do this but that I really could do this. My amazing leader, Mandie, is who really kept me going. She's is both fluffy and deep. Good things just bubble out of Mandie and give you a little touch of energy and encouragement. Then she opens her mouth and something she says hits you as serious truth. You want to catch both the bubbles and the truth. Even after all the yo yo-ing at Mandies scale, I never ever got disappointment from Mandie. Always love and encouragement.
Mandie has had to give up her full time work for WW so I have started with a new leader. I have only been to two of Sandi's meetings but I can tell already that she's a combination of teacher and cheerleader. I'm looking forward to gleaning wisdom from her and hopefully catching her enthusiasm.
Deep breath. So, here I go again.

The Fat Lady Warms Up

I know, I know, a ton (pun intended) of fat people are blogging these days. Well, what can I say. I think it's time for me to get on that bandwagon. It's supposed to be therapeutic to write about your trials. And, to be honest, who else is going to want to listen to a fat 53 year old woman as she desperately attempts the, seemingly, impossible goal to lose over 200lbs?