It's been three weeks since I posted. More if you don't consider mmmmmmmmm to be a coherent blog post. Life is pretty strange right now and yet it's actually very calm. I've been sick for three months with Lymes and it has taken over my life somewhat. Fevers most days and pain most days but I think it may be slowing down now. Maybe. I've thought that before so I won't get my hopes up too high. You just don't know with these bizarre l ittle spirochetes that have moved into my body. They are strange creatures that look something like a corkscrew that has been elongated. They wiggle and swim and move their little bodies all around. They seem to like to socialize with one another too. Who knew?
Food. If you're reading this you probably are wondering about my relationship with food these days. Food and I are still really close. Too close. I've gained weight. Not sure if it is totally from eating or somewhat from this weird sickness.
I don't feel any closer to having a healthy eating habit. I crave, crave, crave sweets. Once I finish with one sweet treat I start thinking about the next one. Can't explain it. It's just the way I am. I know that I am more aware of what I eat, but still, does it make me make better choices? Not usually. Sometimes.
Can I tell you how I fantasize about getting control of my weight? I think about it daily. Usually several times a day. I imagine myself getting into this great battle to lose weight and gain health. I can even imagine myself someday helping somebody else get through it, but I can't make it a reality. I read about a new diet book and wish it would be that one "missing link" that would help me suddenly become successful. I see an ad for an exercise machine and wonder if it's really the miracle machine that will slim and trim this obese body. Is there a guru out there that will teach me the way? A food that I can become addicted to that will grant me perfect metabolism? Nah.
I fear I know the answer to losing my excess weight and it depends on me. Me who doesn't succeed at much of anything and yet needs to succeed at a long arduous journey that truthfully I have no desire to take the first step. A journey where 95% of the people who start out on it give up along the way.
How? How will I ever do it? I've been this way so so long and the "fix" would take so so long.
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It almost sounds as though this has truly become a part of you. The way you are. Change has been explained to me as a progressive deliberate one by one act. An act that supposedly changes the neuropathways after a certain number of times. I have tried changing these pathways in my feelings and reactions, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I succeed sometimes and fail others. Every day there is something challenging us, you with the sweets me with the emotions. I struggle with food too, I just do. You have gained a healthy control of a lot of your emotions, your struggles by growing closer to God, holding on to him as you can't change your situations. I believe that as you continue in your journey that you will find that ability to change this as well. It starts as a thought and leads into action. You have the thoughts and I think he will enable you to do the action. Love you!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHaving to battle the Lyme disease has got to be so very tough. It is as though you have two battles going on at the same time. I think Judy id right about the neuropathways. By this time in life it is harder to change those paths. BUt I fully believe with Christ's help it can be done....it just seems so slow. I think about food all the time..regulating what I eat. I have to treat myself like a two year old...telling myself I can't have something (chocolate) until I have consumed something healthy. Then I will only let myself have a set amount. The same problem exsits in my emotions and thought life. I would rather escape into a fantasy of books or movies than face reality. How do you change? One moment at a time. Some moments are victorious, some aren't. Perhaps as you continue to battle and become aware of your own proccesses you will have more and more victorious moments. I think in my own life I have come to realize that some things will just be a lifelong struggle...just need to celebrate the victories and keep moving on one moment at a time.
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