Taking it to the Cross

Warning: Do not read if the words " I am starting again" causes extreme feelings of digust or frustration. As a matter of fact, you might not want to read this blog ever if that's the case. I do a lot of "starting again." 8>)

I am fat. Fat, fat, fat. I can't stop eating! Nothing new here. I am back to my original top weight. I hate it more than ever. It feels worse than it ever has. I haven't given up on being healthy, but it really does feel impossible. FEEL being the operative word. I go through my life making a lot of decisions based on my emotions. It's an automatic response for me, a form of auto pilot. Of course I have worked on maturing myself so that I work through the emotions . . . some of the time. More often than before, that's for sure. The idea is to design a plan of help for myself that does not have emotions as it's foundation.

So, I am starting again. What am I doing to make this different than the last time?. A few things. One, I'm immersing myself in information. I have three new books. One is The Primal Wound. A book recommended to me by someone I think is wise. It's about the wound left inside the adoptive person. I know this wound is there. I can name it now, but I don't know what to do about it. So, I am hoping that by reading this book I get more information and maybe even experience some healing of my own personal primal wound. The next book I am reading is This Year I Will...: Learn How to Finally Change a Habit, Keep a Resolution, or Make a Dream Come True One of the chapters in it deals with the idea that you get something from your old habits that you need to address before you can move on. Something I suspect I need to deal with. The third book I ordered is, Locked Up for Eating Too Much: The Diary of a Food Addict in Rehab. I know I am addicted to food. No, I'm not calling it an addiction so that I don't have to deal with it. I call it an addiction because it meets the definition of addiction.

I am also currently doing a Bible study by Beth Moore; John, 90 Days with the Beloved Disciple. The last lesson I did was about the disciple John watching his Lord die on the cross and how it must have shook his world. This man he had followed and loved was dying, leaving this world. One of the things I have learned this week during my study is that, in Beth's words, "When death of some kind comes and we are willing to take it to the cross, to stay nearby and to suffer it's grief, we will also experience the resurrection." I need to give up my addiction to food. If you have never been here, it must sound strange, but food is my drug, my comfort, my secret vice. It is my solace when sad times come, my pleasure in dull and boring times, and my anesthetic when fear and emptiness take over. Worst of all, it is what I use to fill the empty void that should be filled with God. To give up food will be a big deal. You have no idea. I don't entirely know what it means to give up food. After all, I will still have to eat. And, I know food was meant for good, for nutrition and pleasure. Yet I've used it for abusing my body and hiding from the life my Father has given me. All that I know is that I need to take it to the cross and leave it there. Pray that I can do that.